Being accountable vs. being obessivePosted: October 10, 2011
Warm banana oatmeal this morning, with a tsp of sunflower butter and peanut flour protein muffin. It needed something else, berries maybe?
Oh Monday… why are you so inevitable? I hear that it’s another beautiful day outside… but until later this afternoon, I’ll just have to daydream about it.
This is another one of those “getting real” posts- just some thoughts running around in my brain and a little re-cap of some issues I encountered over the weekend.
On Friday night I was looking over some photos from a few years ago. I remember when some of those pictures were taken and thinking I looked “fat” in them. I was about 10-15 lbs. less than what I weigh now. Looking at them now- I think I looked thin and healthy- and great! I would love to look like that right now! It made me a little sad and mad at myself for beating myself up so much back then. My opinion of my body was so morphed.
Curiosity got the best of me on Saturday morning, and I stepped on the scale. I just wanted to see where I’m at- if my last month of changing up my workouts big-time has had any impact- positive or negative. I should’ve been more mentally prepared for the truth- or maybe I should have just thrown my scale out a while ago altogether. I saw a number that is higher than anything I’ve seen in about 5 years, and it freaked me out a little bit. That number also reflected 12 lbs. gained since my wedding in July. I just stood and stared in disbelief- how is that possible?? I eat healthy and exercise. And yes- I snack- but definitely not to the tune of gaining 12 lbs in less than 3 months! What if I keep gaining weight? What is going ON? I even said to myself when I cut out half of my hard-core workouts during the week that I might even gain a little weight as my body adjusts to the new routine, but then it would even out and THEN I would start to lose. I’ve had my cortisol tested before, and it’s extremely high due to physical stress (caused by over-exercise) and all of my new habits should be making that level A LOT lower. Man, I hope so.
It put me in a bad mood for the rest of the morning. Of course, I took some of it on Greg because he has never had a weight problem and can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound. And clearly- this is not his fault and he shouldn’t have to apologize for it ever. Honestly, sometimes it’s really hard to battle with your weight and body image and be married to someone who is naturally thin and doesn’t have to make any effort to stay that way. I need to just constantly remind myself that I can’t punish him for my own issues- I have to deal with them.
Luckily I was able to get out of my funk after by late morning and got out and enjoyed the rest of the day without thinking much about that horrible number on the scale.
SO. I have to do something. I need to get this extra weight off in a healthy way. I need to gain control of my mindless eating that occurs in the late afternoon/evening when I get home from work. I need to be accountable for what I am putting into my body because those little bites and handfuls of things add up and completely sabotage the healthy lifestyle I live otherwise. I want to be back where I was and really appreciate it this time- and be comfortable in my body and really appreciate it for all it does for me.
My question is: Can you be accountable without being obsessive? I have found that when I food journal or calorie count or do “points” or anything like that, I get so wrapped up in it. I want to be care-free about it… but is that really reasonable right now? Should I just bite the bullet and do what I know will work and really see exactly what I am consuming each day? I would assume that I probably eat anywhere up to 500 extra calories from mindless snacking every day. And that’s what’s having such a negative impact on my “diet.”
I haven’t journaled anything today, but can recall everything I’ve consumed. It’s so easy when I’m at work, but when I get home- will I be in that “accountable” mindset still?
And really, when it all comes down to it it’s just food after all. Just food. It’s not evil. It’s essential to life and it doesn’t control me and I can’t let it.
So, what do you think? What’s the best way to be accountable without being “obsessive?” What works for you? Thanks for any thoughts. 🙂