A big confession

So, here it is, another Wednesday. And unfortunately, my mind is clouded with dread of the scale later today at my WW weigh-in. I keep telling myself “it doesn’t matter” and not to let the number define me, but I know that I gained weight this week.

Let me just state that I don’t want to be a big Debbie Downer when I write posts like these, but they are cathartic to me- and if anyone that is reading can relate and it helps them too, that’s an added bonus!

I overdid it in Thanksgiving, and got back on track the next day (well, about 90% back on track) and have been good ever since, but my body is still feeling the effects, almost a week later. The important thing is that I remember what a great time I had on Thanksgiving (thanks for that tip, Ashley!) and I wasn’t worried about the calories or sugar that day- just focused on spending time with my wonderful family. Whatever the scale says, it is what it is, and I will just need to keep moving forward. It’s not the end of the world, after all.

So I mentioned a while back that I have a severely screwed-up metabolism, and that a lot of that is due to my own actions. I had my resting and metabolic rates tested a few years ago, and was told that I just have a “very slow metabolism due to genetics” and have to work that much harder to lose weight. My body was burning just about 1,000 calories a day at rest, when it should be burning more than 1.5 times that amount. Ouch. So with that, I can either wallow in self pity and let the pounds pile on or I can do something about it. I choose the latter.

I’ve spent the last few years trying to lose 10 lbs, and have somehow gained a little more than 10 instead.

For about a year, I was exercising extremely hard twice a day, and never giving myself a rest day. Okay, my “rest day” was usually Friday, when I ran for 30 minutes before teaching a spin class in the morning, and didn’t work out again in the afternoon. Crazy, I know. All of that crazy exercise (and calorie restriction) resulted in more weight gain. I went to see a few doctors to talk about weight loss, including a nutritionist. She had me take a bunch of tests and sold me a bunch of herbs, and determined that my coritsol level was off the charts, due to all the stress I’ve put my body through. I limited my exercise to once a day, but still never gave myself a day off.

In the last year, I incorporated a rest day in my schedule and learned how to look forward to it, and not feel guilty that I wasn’t exercising. And when I traded a day or two of cardio for yoga, I really started feeling better. But, the scale still just kept moving up. I chalked it up to my body adjusting to the lower calorie burn and hoped that it would level out eventually. Who knows.

Rewind a bit to last May… this is where my confession comes in. I was listening to the radio one morning, and they were talking about the drug Phentermine. All of these people were calling in who had taken it, and were gushing about how it helped them lose weight and how great it was. I have always had the attitude that there is no quick fix, and that great results are not going to just be handed to you. But, I was less than 2 months away from getting married, and so focused on losing any weight that I could, so that I could look my best for the wedding day. I called my doctor, and he agreed to write me a prescription, provided that I would come in to have my blood pressure checked every few weeks (a side effect is high blood pressure).

I only told a few people (my husband and maybe two close friends) that I was taking the diet pills. I was embarrassed, and it completely contradicts everything I stand for, but honestly, I was desperate.

I started taking the medication, and lost 4 lbs. the first week! And let me tell you- 4 lbs. in one week is INSANE for me. I wanted to lose about 15 total, so I was feeling GREAT. The loss slowed down after that, and was 1 lb. a week for the next few weeks, and eventually stopped around 9-10 lbs. total. I kept taking the pills, even though they seemingly had no effect after that. But, my clothes were fitting much better, and I actually started feeling pretty good.

So, on my wedding day, I wasn’t really exactly at the size I wanted to be (honestly, I still kinda felt “fat”), but I felt beautiful despite that. And my wedding day was amazing- I had a blast!

I stopped taking the pills after that and went on my honeymoon… and came back 12 lbs. heavier. Granted, I ate and drank and didn’t calorie count or worry about any of that stuff during my honeymoon, BUT we also spent almost every day hiking, kayaking, cycling, whatever… it’s not like I wasn’t burning calories, too.

People have often told me (mostly skinny people, who’ve never had to worry about their weight) to stop thinking about it so much and just eat whatever and exercise and it will be fine. Well, I’m living proof that thinking like that does NOT work for me- because I’ve tried, and the effect is negative.

I am convinced that taking those pills was the worst idea ever, and the worst thing I could have done for my metabolism, which was already damaged.

I keep telling myself that it will normalize over time, and not to get discouraged.

The number that I see on the scale right now is the highest I’ve seen in a LONG time, and yes- I know that it’s just a number, but it still sucks. I can try to focus on all of the wonderful things about me and know that I’m strong and healthy and really – I’m not that fat. But, I do NOT feel comfortable, and that’s the bottom line. I need to get my confidence back- I need to get my life back and stop letting this thing control me.

Now that that’s off my chest, I’ll get back to more positive thoughts and posts. It just had to be shared. 🙂

Have you ever taken drastic measures to lose weight? How much of your energy is spent focusing on your body image/weight-loss/calorie-counting, etc.?

3 Comments on “A big confession”

  1. Aw, sweetie I’m sending you millions of virtual hugs!! I hate that a stupid number makes otherwise intelligent and beautiful women turn into insecure girls. I’ve done everything under the sun including starving myself, taking laxatives, purging, overexercising, and bingeing. And what I’ve realized that I may feel like shit for a couple days about my weight but I can not HATE myself into losing weight. I more I hate the harder weight loss and finding that healthy balance becomes. At some point (and I know this is incredibly hard to do) you just need to say “FUCK IT” (literally stand on the scale and scream). You are worth more than your weight or your pant size. You deserve love, happiness, kindness, and respect no matter what you weigh. You have people in your life that love and care about you and don’t give two shits about your appearance. You just have to believe that you deserve that love. You have to believe that you are a person worth loving (even if you don’t weigh X pounds).

    And trust me, I share my doom and gloom too. Sometimes you feel horrible and need to share because you have slew of blogosphere people who understand weight struggles. At some point your metabolism will readjust, you just need to give it time and give yourself compassion. And anytime you need to vent feel free to shoot me an email 🙂 XOXO

  2. Great post, I wish more people were candid about body image/weight loss issues like this. As someone a lot heavier than you are, all I can say is that I envy your body. Like a lot! A few years ago, I lost 60 lbs and I felt great. I was watching what I ate, went to the gym consistently but with that took a loss in my social life. I wouldnt go out as much with friends for drinks because drinks are my downfall or out for dinner and such. Then I got sick of not doing anything and started to go out more and bam, started gaining weight. Add a horrible job that depressed the hell out of me and gaining 25 lbs b.c of that job (um, I’m 5’4, extra 25 lbs does not look good on me) and here I am today. I have my off days and still snack on sweets from time to time but try to watch as much as I can. I track my food online and when I dont see any loss for a few weeks, it’s super duper frustrating. But it doesnt mean I will quit doing what I’m doing because if I give up I cant win! I wish there was a quick fix out there though but I know in the end, I have to do it the right way and just take my time. Sorry if this is all jumbled and such, sometimes when it comes to these kind of posts, it hits home since it’s a struggle every day of my life.

  3. […] This is no shock to me at all- and I had lost 8 lbs. in the month before that visit (thanks to that horrible diet drug that I thought was awesome at the time). My doctor asked me how everything was going since my last […]

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