Adjusting… and Feeling Fat

I’ve got to share this photo first. I took it of the boys the other day while they were napping in the kitchen.

There’s nothing like using your brother’s butt for a pillow!

**

Not too long ago, I was presented with the opportunity to teach four additional group exercise classes (two Spinning and two Bodypump) in addition to the two Spinning classes that I’ve been teaching for the last three years. Since I absolutely love teaching group exercise- I jumped at the chance! And bonus- I’m already working out those days- so why not get paid for it?

While I am absolutely loving teaching all of these classes, it is taking me a little bit of time to adjust to. This is my group exercise teaching and personal workout schedule currently:

Sunday: 8:30 am Spinning class(I almost always practice the latest Bodypump release beforehand)

Monday: No classes (I usually work out on my own this day or go running outside or take a dog for a walk)

Tuesday: 5:30 am Spinning class

Wednesday: 4:30 pm Spinning/5:30 pm Bodypump

Thursday: No classes (I do yoga)

Friday: 4:15 Cycle Express (30 minutes)/5:00 Bodypump

Saturday: No classes (Work out on my own and/or hike)

Last night’s classes were awesome by the way. I didn’t have a lot of people attend the 4:30 Spinning class, but the Bodypump class afterwards was packed and full of energy! I just can’t wait until we launch the New Release! I generally have a bar (something between 150-200 calories) to fuel me through the two hours of workouts. I also bring a Blender bottle with me to make a protein shake for the ride home. I finally tried out the new Vega One powder (in Vanilla Chai, of course):

I’m not usually a fan of mixing protein powder with just water, but this was really, really good! It was so creamy and not watered down- and I mixed it with 12 oz of water! I just wish these weren’t so pricey!

Right now, Wednesday is the only day that seems really crazy. I leave my house for work at 6:30 am, get home a little after 3:00, try to quickly make breakfast and lunch for the next day and change/get my gym bag ready, and then am out the door by 4:00 to go teach. I get home around 7:00, and luckily, Greg has taken on dinner duty for Wednesday nights. This is what I came home to last night:

Greg said “We have like five bottles of Rose! I figured that I should open one.” I don’t really drink during the week, but had a few sips. And it was good!

I also saw this going on in the backyard.

I witnessed Jackson jump in the flowering tree and break off a branch and then run around with it to tease Lance. Greg made him give it up (also, dogs can get really sick from eating flowers!)

Dinner was grilled chicken breast, broccoli and a roasted Japanese sweet potato.

Simple and delicious.

Anyway.

Wednesdays involve a lot of running around and I’m totally exhausted by the end of the day. Even though I teach back to back classes on Friday, it doesn’t seem nearly as hectic, because I don’t have to do anything to get ready for the next day. And Saturday is my only morning that I get to sleep until I feel like it and don’t have to set an alarm. BUT- I’m not complaining, because I truly LOVE having the opportunity to teach others to get healthy and stronger and to love exercise. Like I said, it’s just taking some time to adjust.

We have less than two months left in the school year, and things will lighten up a TON in the summer. I’d actually take on another Bodypump class on Mondays if the opportunity presents itself!

A lot of things have been going on in my life recently that have really made me re-evaluate what it important to me and what I think I want to do career-wise. It’s all kind of scary, but also exciting. I’ll be able to share more details a little later on, when things are figured out and official.

**

On to another topic… where I complain about my body.

I’ve also been really struggling with my weight loss lately. I’ve been maintaining, which is better than nothing, but my motivation to lose body fat kind of went away about a month ago when I fell off the wagon. That doesn’t mean the desire to lose weight has gone away at all though- I just honestly haven’t been strong enough to do what I know works (which is mindful eating and steering away from unplanned snacks). It’s the little things that keep getting me- like not being able to keep my spoon of the nut butter jar, or grabbing a few crackers from the pantry- a bite of this, a bit of that- all of it adds up and is the reason that I’m not seeing the results that I want. I am NOT the type of person that can eat whatever I want (or even just splurge a little) and just burn it off in the gym. There’s days are over.

Here’s the thing: I feel really uncomfortable in my clothes- and in my skin. There’s this layer of fat around my middle that just needs to get lost. I find myself wondering if students in my group exercise classes are thinking “wow, she’s a good instructor, but she’s kind of fat…” This should be enough motivation for me to get my butt in gear, right?

I had made a goal to lose a few pounds before Blend. Nothing unrealistic- even 5 lbs. would have been great. I want to get into that next “decade” of weight (which I’m like a half a pound away from). But that hasn’t happened. Again, I have that nagging fear in my head that when people meet me they’ll think “huh, she’s fatter than I thought.” It’s a little intimidating, because I look at these other bloggers who have rock hard abs and awesome bodies that work out just as much as I do and seem to be able to eat everything and anything they want- and my body just does not respond in that way. In reality, I know that all of these women are amazing and don’t care if I have a six-pack or potbelly… I just can’t help but feel self-conscious.

If you’ve ever been a fat girl (which I was my whole life- well, until my late 20s anyway), can you ever get past that fat girl mentality?

I was really, really good about eating mindfully the last two days and went to bed both nights not feeling full at all- which is a change. I woke up the last two mornings feeling really good about my choices the day before and like “I’ve got this!” It’s SUCH a good feeling to wake up to, and I just need to find a way to harness that great feeling and motivation and keep it going. And not to mention, I just feel “lighter” when I wake up. I know you might be thinking “Two days? Big deal!” But, to be honest, every single day is a struggle for me. It’s not a struggle to eat healthy foods (because that’s pretty much the only thing I eat)- it’s a struggle to listen to my body and eat for the right reasons. I don’t know why, but it’s just been so tough for me to do that lately.

I miss that confidence that I had a few years ago- when I felt like I could wear anything- and do anything! It’s silly that about 15 lbs. are what is standing in the way of me feeling like that again. But really, I need to clarify that. It’s NOT about the number on the scale. I just happen to know that the 10-15 lbs that I’ve gained over the last two years has really changed how confident and comfortable I am in my skin.

I know that following Jackie’s plan really works for me. Like I said, I just need to harness that good feeling and motivation and keep it GOING!

I just needed to get that out and be honest, because I haven’t been feeling too hot lately. On top happier things tomorrow. πŸ™‚

Does your work schedule ever get crazy? How do you deal trying to fit everything in? Do you struggle with self-confidence issues?

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58 Comments on “Adjusting… and Feeling Fat”

  1. marie says:

    I need to find those Japenese yams, they look great.

    Weight, oh this will always be the topic huh? I am like you, I work out and eat well but I put on 10 lbs about 5 years ago and it isn’t going anywhere. I could count calories and eat chicken all day to lose the weight but to me that’s a sad life. I’ve am just trying to embrace that this is how it’s going to be and I should not let it get me down, life’s too short. I am just going to make the best food choices I can and be happy with my body.

    • Lauren says:

      Being happy with your body is easier said than done for me. I’m just not- but I know there are things that I can do to change that. It just requires a lot of hard work.

  2. Shannon says:

    Lauren, I can so relate. I struggle with my weight endlessly, and every time I try something new, I hope it will be the “magic bullet,” but it never is.

    I had commented on a post of yours before and mentioned by own struggle with adrenal fatigue, and since then, I have been on this journey to get well. I went to a nutritionist who put me on a bunch of supplements and felt better for a few days and then nothing – back to horrible fatigue again. So after about a month, I stopped taking them. From there, I went to a functional medicine doctor for bloodwork including a complete thyroid panel and hormone check. Apparently my T3 is low and my hormones are basically non-existent and I also went to a functional dietician – which fortunately she is on my health insurance. What I’m getting to is that the dietician told me one of the main reasons I struggle with my body weight and exhaustion is the adrenal fatigue and that I am overtraining. (I do a 5:30 am boot camp 4 days a week, 1 5:30 am cardio session and 1 hiit/weights style circuit class) She told me I need to cut back, which is terrifying. Boot camp max 3 days a week and the other days I need to do yoga or walk. I’m working on the whole cutting back thing. I’ve been doing tons of research on managing the adrenals with diet and Paleo keeps coming up over and over again. I emailed the dietician and she is still reviewing my labs and some additional information I sent her and she said she is leaning in that direction for me. Do you have any input or know anything on the subject? Thanks!

    • Lauren says:

      Wow- thanks for the comment and information! You sound just like me! I used to get up to do cardio (hardcore) for an hour each morning around 5 am. I went to a nutritionist around that time (because I started gaining weight) and shelled out about $1,000 on appointments with her and different supplements. My cortisol levels were tested and were OFF the charts! She had me do an elimination diet for 3 months- no gluten, caffeine or seafood (I had high mercury too. It SUCKED. I also had to nix workouts and keep them to about 3 a week. I didn’t lose any weight and was miserable, but my cortisol levels dropped. Cutting back IS terrifying, because everything you’ve ever learned has told you that exercise burns fat- but for me- it had the opposite effect.
      I’m NOT a fan of Paleo at all. I think it’s a quick fix, and would make you gain the weight right back. For me, it’s all about listening to my body and mindful eating, which is just really hard! Please let me know what you find out regarding your labwork!

  3. Ah, do I ever understand you and your struggle with your weight. I think you change when you lose weight and then gain part of it back. When you’re overweight and you lose the weight, you’ve succeeded. You did what fat people are supposed to do: lose weight. Then when you gain weight, you failed. You can look in the mirror and remember the skinner you thus beginning the cycle of hate and self sabotage (even when that self sabotage is subconscious). What I’ve come to realize that until you can be happy and comfortable with yourself in this moment (not ten pounds from now) but right now, I don’t think you can lose the weight permanently. Hating yourself into losing weight isn’t the answer, if it were, I’d be 100lbs again. I think that it might be beneficial to speak to a professional who can help you deal with your weight problems. I think that losing/gaining weight is more emotionally based than physical and a third party person can help you look at aspects of your life in a different manner.

    I’m sending you tons of hugs because I want you to know that I think you’re pretty awesome even those extra 15lbs.

    • Lauren says:

      Thanks doll!
      And I don’t hate myself- I just wish I had less body fat. I’m trying to be happy “in this body” and I do appreciate what it does for me- but damnit, I just want to feel confident and rockin’ again.

  4. mlodaweganka says:

    I kind of have a similar problem with my weight. About 2 years ago I lost around 20 lbs by following a diet plan that was not too restrictive and was generally healthy, but still there was a lot of stuff that was off limits for me. It worked though, I looked awesome and bought some XXXXS clothes… that don’t fit anymore, because it turned out that I’m just not able to follow a diet plan all my life. I love to cook, bake and eat great food. I gained some weight and although I’m definitely still within the healthy range for my height (not overweight), I feel self conscious quite often. I work out regularly and generally eat a helathy vegan diet with some chocolate treats in there. Right now, I’m trying to decide if I just need to buy bigger jeans and accept the fact that I’m not meant to be super-skinny or try to stick to a plan that will help me lose some weight… I KNOW that the first option would be better for me, but it’s still hard to accept that I won’t ever look like the girl in vacation pictures from 2 years ago…

    • Lauren says:

      I’m right at the very top of my healthy weight range- but I feel better physically when I’m somewhere in the middle.
      I have a hard time buying a larger size. I guess I just feel like that means I’ve “accepted” being where I’m at. But maybe that’s not a bad thing.

  5. I appreciate your honesty about body image. I have been thinking the same thing about Blend. I worked really hard at the beginning to the year and was happy with my progress… then dropped the discipline like a hot potato. LOL!

  6. natpot says:

    I can relate both to your training issues and also being a slightly larger group exercise instructor. In my experience, as long as you are a good instructor people don’t notice your size, although I’m the UK so I guess it may be different in the US. I definitely have spells of time when I am more aware that I’m larger than your average instructor and then try to remind myself that it has no impact on my ability to teach a fab class! I think generally that if you have ever experienced being overweight then it becomes something you deal with physically or psychologically (or both) for the rest of your life. After a huge life-changing event several years ago I decided to make fitness and well-being my career. I love what I do and sharing my passion and beliefs with others is completely rewarding. I don’t exercise to lose weight or to get skinny, I do it for my sanity and because I love the act of working out! The trouble now is that I teach between 15 and 20 classes a week (Bodypump, Zumba, Jhoom, conditioning, running clubs) as well as personal training several clients, which leaves me little time (or energy) to work out just for me and plays havoc with my appetite. That said, I am comfortable in my own skin and happier than I have ever been.
    Lauren, you should be super proud of what you’ve accomplished in both your personal life and your career. Good job on all your new classes! Keep up the amazing work (and your fab blog) πŸ™‚
    Ps Which BP release are you teaching at the mo? We launched 81 at the end of March and I absolutely love it!
    Nat x

    • Lauren says:

      Thank you! πŸ™‚
      And whoa- 15-20 classes a week?! That’s crazy! You MUST love it!
      We are launching 81 at the end of next week. I can’t WAIT!

  7. I have recently been struggling with the concept of gaining some weight back. As some who also has always struggled with intuitive eating I know it is hard to find a balance between satisfied and stuffed. Congrats on the last 2 days! Any progress and feeling good is so important. Thanks for sharing!

    PS> I always love the pictures of your golden!

    • Lauren says:

      Thank you! I’m definitely congratulating myself one day at a time, thinking that pretty soon it will be a WEEK of good mindful eating, then TWO, etc…

  8. Uh I am in the same boat. I have cycles of eating/excercising and loving my body and life, then I have cycles where my fitness feels off and I can’t stop eating- then I hate my image and everything else in my life suffers. It’s just taking that first step of getting back in the groove that’s the hardest, but once it happens, everything is all good. I can’t follow a diet, I just eliminate sweets and ensure I get at least one hour of physical activity a day. Even if the number doesn’t change on the scale, I feel healthier and happier!

  9. chimes says:

    I am with you on Blend. I was thinking the same thing β€”Β lose a little weight and finish up LiveFit before I show up. Esp. because I’m not a heavy-hitter blogger with a ton of followers. I’m just kind of going because it sounds like a lot of fun.

    I think everybody had a relapse of body-image / self-confidence issues the last week or so. It was spring break a lot of places and you can’t forget Easter. I found myself eating the last 3 cadbury cream eggs last night (FULL SIZE) because I didn’t want to mess up and have them around later. Just get rid of them now. I could have just as easily brought my candy to work and gave it away or thrown it out. But no. Ate them. Esp. after pretty much quitting sugar the last few months.

    Anyway, you look fabulous! And I will definitely be more like “wow that person is taller than I figured” or “shorter than I thought” when I meet them because I’m always wowed by people’s heights. Super short. I assume everybody’s like 5’4″. πŸ™‚

    • Lauren says:

      Thanks, doll! My husband LOVES Cadbury eggs. (And of course, he’s thin as a rail).
      I think the same thing with height, too! I always think everyone is shorter than I expected when I meet them in person! I’m not THAT tall, but it seems like a lot of bloggers are very petite!

  10. I can relate to the confidence and motivation issues. I generally go through phases where I’ll eat really well and exercise almost every day for 3-4 weeks, but then I get bored/over-tired/whatever and start to trail off. I think it’s then that I need to try some new recipes and new workouts (I tend to rotate through the same classes at the gym), but also give myself a mental break and not focus so much on what I’m not doing and shift it to what I’ve been doing well.

    Do you food journal? I started back up when I did the Crazy Sexy Diet cleanse and for me, it’s key to not mindlessly snacking. If I know I have to record it, it makes me re-evaluate whether I’m actually hungry or if I’m eating for some other reason (stress, being tired, thirsty, etc). And I’ve also found that I reach for fruits/veggies over chocolate and simple carbs. πŸ™‚

    • Lauren says:

      I log my food onto MyFitnessPal. What do you use? I love that site. It helps somewhat, but I will still eat things I don’t really need- and almost always record it.

  11. Iris Lee says:

    Lauren, I’ve been following along on your blog for a while now but am just now commenting for the first time. Your post really resonates with me – I know just how you feel! It truly is a daily struggle to stay positive and focused. I don’t have any magic solutions for this, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! You are already an inspiration to me (and your other readers)!!

  12. My work life is constantly busy. Every.single. day is packed with meetings and then I follow it up with events after work. The fact that you are busy with things you enjoy is a great thing! Keep up all your amazing work and you are sure to cross this plateau you are experiencing.

    • Lauren says:

      I do actually like being busy- and I am so much more productive. I think it’s hard when you are really unhappy with one large area of your life (like your job)- but hopefully that will change.

  13. I’m so behind on commenting on your posts. I’m sorry about the weight-loss struggles lately. I really can’t imagine working out as much as you do. That must contribute to the NEED to snack. Seriously, you’re working so hard all the time! Don’t worry about Blend at all. I’m sure I’M going to be the most out of shape person there πŸ™‚ I was just thinking last night how silly I’m going to look “attempting” yoga with all of you ladies. Ha!

    Anyway, I know we haven’t met (yet) but I feel such a great connection with you. You are so awesome!! Your posts are great. Your workout prowess is amazing. You make super scrumptious food. You have a wonderful hubby who makes you dinner on your busy Wednesdays (hello?!!). You have cutie doggies. You have a beautiful house. You’re a super encourager. You’re SUCH a good planner. You even pack oatmeal and associate toppings for an airplane trip πŸ™‚ So, before moving on, let me say it again… YOU’RE AWESOME!!! And I can’t wait to hang out!

    • Lauren says:

      You’re wonderful, Kelly- and thank you, and DITTO.
      And don’t worry about yoga- EVERYONE thinks that they are doing it wrong or that everyone else knows what they’re doing. Seriously. The best thing you can do is just go in with an open mind and not be afraid to laugh at yourself. πŸ™‚

  14. Nikki says:

    Can I just say how wonderful it is to hear a bunch of amazing women expressing their struggles with food and body image? Not because it’s a wonderful that we struggle with this, but because knowing that other women work on this every.single.day. helps me know that I’m not weak or inept. Rather, it helps me understand that a positive body image in our culture right now is just very, very _hard_. My only suggestion is to keep your eyes off the scale and keep them on what you already do so well–being active and making as many healthy choices as you can.
    Also, two more side notes:
    1) I live in Boulder and you should definitely move here so we can be friends, and
    2) Less oxygen at CO altitude means _everyone_ is going to seem out of shape at Blend:-)

    • Lauren says:

      Believe me, I would live in CO in a heartbeat if there weren’t other factors standing in the way (like a bad housing market for sellers).
      I go to Colorado for a week each year, and have adapted to the altitude change pretty well. It’s always a little harder on the first day- but man, when I get back to Maryland, I feel like I can run a marathon!
      Are you going to Blend?

      • Nikki says:

        No, I’m not going to Blend–mostly because I chickened out! I’ve only been reading healthy living blogs for a couple of months, and the idea of meeting up with a bunch of bloggers seemed a bit intimidating! It sounds like the Blend schedule is pretty full, but shoot me an email if you want to meet for coffee and talk!

  15. Corrie Anne says:

    Love the brother butt pillow!! That’s so funny. Feeling fat sucks. It’s funny that you wrote that while i’m visiting the dr. every time i brought up the trip I would immediately say “i need to stop eating.” semi-jokingly because in this culture people are way more free about openly making comments about your weight. i’ve been asked soooo many times if i’m pregnant because even with the many many miles i run, i have some stomach pudge. Lame. I like the suggest above abt the CO altitude. I’m still not sure about coming myself… I’m not sure I’m going to be able to swing it with all the other trips I have planned. :/

    • Lauren says:

      Oooh I hope you can come! You could even see if you’d be able to come for just the dinner on the first night or the workout on Sat or Sun… I’m not sure if they would do that, but it’s worth asking!
      And I can not BELIEVE people ask you if you’re pregnant! How RUDE! And man, you look pretty amazing to me!

  16. I think it’s amazing how honest you are!! Seriously–that is so cool! WHen I struggled with everything for so long, I kept it all bottle up inside. Not good!

    I think you’re doing amazing, girl!! I understand the feeling/thought of loving yourself and BEING in your skin, and that WILL come and can come –with patience and a lot of self-love. You might be extra stressed and emotionally eating without realizing it? If you really do want to talk, my clients have made huge leaps forward and been successful in getting rid of the negative thoughts and the overeating or ‘bad feelings’ about food and ones’ body. Send me an email if you wanna know more!

    By the way, KEEP Pumping and trying to add weight to your bar–it’ll continue to do wonders for you confidence and physique, I promise! One bad day is a-okay, but keeping pushing onwards and forward and be patient with yourself! YOU’RE amazing!!!!!!! πŸ™‚

    • Lauren says:

      Thanks, Annette. πŸ™‚
      I DO need to keep adding weight to my bar and challenge myself more with PUMP.
      And thanks for the offer- i might take you up on that. πŸ™‚

  17. Gil says:

    Oh sister, I hear you. I just read this article the other day and thought how nicely it sums up my weight loss struggles. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/04/the-chocolate-and-radish-experiment-that-birthed-the-modern-conception-of-willpower/255544/
    I’ll get so stressed and tired and HAVE to push through and somewhere inside my brain says “I’ll be damned if I’m going to suffer this while eating radishes. Pass the chocolate.” Consistently mindful eating seems so daunting when there are so many other things competing for precious time and attention!

    • Lauren says:

      Okay, I skimmed through the article (will have to read more later) but it’s very interesting! I think I’d be pretty pissed if someone showed me (and had me smell) cookies and got a radish instead. πŸ™‚

      • Gil says:

        The concept of willpower as a limited strength that can get depleted is super interesting…but it also kind of makes me sad! I need more!

  18. Lee says:

    I go through phases with my weight and I sort of feel like it has to do with how I am feeling about other aspects of my life. Yes, it’s true that I weigh 15 lbs more than what I felt was my happy weight, but I find when I am upset (like at my last job when I was hating life), it bothers me much more than when I am generally happy.

    I totally understand the frustration of eating relatively healthy and working out a lot and not being where you want to be. It sucks, I know. But then sometimes I remind myself how when I was like 20 lbs thinner, my whole life was consumed with not gaining weight. I might have worn a smaller size, but I’m not sure that I ever really felt smaller even if I was.

    • Lauren says:

      I’ve never felt “small,” but I did feel “sexy.” definitely don’t feel that way now! I actually wasn’t so consumed with maintaining when I was at my smallest size- I just assumed that I would (and did for about a year). I still wanted to lose 5 more lbs. then, but didn’t obsess about it.
      But I TOTALLY agree with what you said first- I think that if was happier with a big aspect of my life (like a job) that I would be happier in general. Hopefully changes will come with that.

  19. Michelle says:

    My heart goes out to you. I have a decent metabolism, but even so, I am having a hard time right now leaning out for my upcoming marathon. (I know I don’t need to lose weight, but I think it would help me run faster.) I know the stress in my life is what is making it really difficult for me right now. My body just wants to hold onto every last ounce. I am excited to hear about changes career-wise. πŸ˜‰

  20. lgsmash says:

    Girrrrrrl – I know how you feel but really, your spin classers, your friends you’ll meet at blend, no one is lookin’ at you thinkin, man that girl is fat! So you your weight is fluctuating a bit right now – it happens to the best of us. You’ll get your groove back! It makes me sad to see you feeling down about yourself! But I do know what you mean – once you’re not comfortable in your skin, everything is uncomfortable! Just know you’ve got a lot of support (see above!^^) and we’re cheering ya on. πŸ™‚

  21. cottercrunch says:

    you have a lot going on and sometimes that just brings negative and overwhelming thoughts. Know that you are amazing, beautiful, and rest is just what you need. Thinking of you beautiful FRIEND!

  22. oh honey. do I know how you feel? Hell yes I do. I’ve gained 10lbs since moving to Colorado (probably the only person who has gained weight moving here) and I hate hate hate wearing clothes that show my body or look in the mirror. From the outside in, people don’t see what we see. I see you as confident, healthy, and STRONG. I know how it feels to just feel GROSS. Weight loss is all mental. I feel like the more you THINk about it and obsess about it…the less it will happen. Do what you are doing but walk away from that damn scale…walk away from that mirror..and walk away from snacks! Love ya girl!

    • Lauren says:

      You’r the best Diana- and thank you!
      I don’t really obsess over the scale much- I obsess about how my clothes fit. And damn, I don’t have money to go buy a whole new “fat girl” wardrobe. I know that with about 10 lbs or so less, I could wear all of that awesome stuff in my closet.
      I do need to walk away from the damn snacks. πŸ™‚

  23. BTW if people at Blend judge you, let me know…I”ll find them and kick their ass

  24. Melissa says:

    Hi Lauren,
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while but this is my first time commenting. I was instantly hooked to your blog because you are so honest and real! Just like this post. I can tell this is so concerning for you and I thought I may have some words that can help you. I am a dietitian turned therapist and work with people with eating disorders. I see people every day who workout as much as you do and eat as little as you do and are not super skinny or underweight. My best advice as a dietitian is that your body does not want to be thinner. We all have a set point and perhaps yours is on the higher end of the “healthy” weight range? Honestly, I think those ranges are such crap and my clients get so hung up on them. The ranges make them feel crappy about themselves and it seems like it is you too. But also there is the body image piece of it which I know is huge. It seems like you exercise a ton and eat super healthy, maybe you just feel like you eat sometimes when you are not hungry? That is so normal!! And probably your body needs it because you work out so much! I just hate the thought that you are beating yourself up for eating a little bit here and there because your probably need those calories!!

    The other thing I wanted to tell you about is a book called Women, Food, and God. It is an absolutely amazing book and anybody that struggles with emotional eating issues should read it. Part of the reason I became a therapist (after being an RD for 8 years) was because I could teach people about healthy eating until I was blue in the face but when it came down to it most (80%) of the women I worked with ate more than they needed because of emotional reasons, not because they didn’t know how to eat healthy. I don’t want to presume that this is what is going on with you but I just say it because maybe there is something under the surface causing you to eat when you are not hungry, and you are not even aware of it??

    Sorry this is so long. I hope it helps in some way. Keep up the honesty and your blog! I love it!!

    • Lauren says:

      Don’t be sorry- this is a great comment, and thank you!
      I’ve thought about that- that my body might just want to be here- but I’d just feel a lot better with a little less of me- and being right in that healthy weight range. Being in the high end (or just a bit over) makes me uneasy.
      I will definitely check out that book. I know that 99% of my issues with this are mental and stress- related.

  25. I’m right there with you! You’ve read about my struggles, I wish I had some words of advice for you though…but I don’t. That’s a huge reason why i don’t go to blogger meet ups and retreats, I don’t want to be the token fat girl and I’m about 4 times the size of most bloggers.

    • Lauren says:

      I feel the exact same thing about not wanting to be the “token fat girl” and have felt like that in so many situations- it SUCKS. But- I’ve learned that I can’t let it keep me from doing things! I know that I definitely have a different impression of myself than others do (same for you!) and that no one is going to be judging how much every girl weighs. It’s silly that we let these things get in the way of what we want!
      I would LOVE IT if you were at Blend!!!!

  26. morgan says:

    I can totally relate! I am super active and love to work out but i was not blessed with the gene that alows me to eat whatever i want and not gain. I grew up eating cookies for breakfast and tons of processed food so learning to eat healthy has been a process. I don’t eat perfect, but taking baby steps has helped me to gradually change my thinking about food and its slowly becoming habit instead of a diet. As far as motivation goes it helps that I’m a health/pe teacher. I refuse to be that overweight individual telling my students to eat right and excersise but that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with my food chooses daily. Its all about being healthy not a number on the scale. That number does not define you! Just know you are not alone and your readers think your pretty awesome even when you don’t think so. Love your blog ❀

    • Lauren says:

      That’s great that you stay motivated for your students- I try to do that as a teacher (even though I teach art). I believe that we should be healthy role models!
      Thanks for your nice comment. πŸ™‚

  27. janetha says:

    I love you, and promise not to think you are fat at blend as long as you don’t think i am. no, but seriously, i hear you.. i struggle with eating way more than i should and working out way less than i should and i have fat feelings all the time. hang in there, you’re awesome.

    • Lauren says:

      Awww, thanks J! It’s great to know that even someone as RIPPED as you has a fat day (not that I want you to feel that way- but you know what I mean!)
      We get to hang out in just over 2 WEEKS!!! AHHHHH!

  28. Denise Lancaster says:

    Hi Lauren,

    I was in the initial body pump training class with you. Glad to see things are going well for you in teaching the classes. I LOVE teaching it as well! Anyway, I just saw this post and was reading the part about struggling with feeling fat. I, too, was fat most of my life. And yes, I still have days (more than I’d like to admit) when I feel fat. I have “fat stores” that I can’t seem to get rid of from all my years of being overweight. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not the 235 lb introverted high school student that I once was. I am now a confident, healthy, mostly trim adult. I have days when I fall of the wagon and just eat whatever, but I try to not allow myself to go there often.

    Hang in there! You’re doing an awesome job teaching and eating healthy! Thanks for being so honest on your blog. My guess is more people, especially females, struggle with this than we know.

    Have a GREAT day!
    Denise Lancaster


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